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OH WAIT. WOOPSIE! THIS IS A THANK YOU CARD NOT A FUCK YOU CARD. MY BAD.
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THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT TASTE SO GOOD WITH ORANGE JUICE.
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I'M THE QUEEN, BITCH!
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BECAUSE MY BALL BUSTING SKILLS ARE ON POINT!
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THEN COMES SLEEPING ON THE COUCH DREAMING OF WAYS TO "ACCIDENTALLY" MURDER YOUR SNORING HUSBAND.
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I WOULD CRY TOO... BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. SO I AM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF A MARGARITA. CHEERS!
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I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A FUCKING FROG!
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NOW I JUST EAT CAKE. NO WONDER I'M SO FAT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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NOW THAT YOU'RE DATING AGAIN, YOU HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR BUSH.
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BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BUY BOOZE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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SPITTING IS DEFINITELY BETTER. JUST SAYIN'
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I SAY, "PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND TELL THEM ALL TO FUCK OFF."
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AND IT'S CHANEL BITCH.
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UNLESS OF COURSE...YOUR SISTER IS A BITCH. GOOD THING YOU HAVE ME!
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GET OFF YOUR ASS, CALL THE PLASTIC SURGEON, AND MAKE US AN APPOINTMENT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
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ALL THE SMART ONES ARE SUPER BORING.
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THE BEAUTY SLEEP AIN'T GONNA CUT IT. IT'S TIME FOR BOTOX BIRTHDAY GIRL!
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BUT EVENTUALLY YOUR VAGINA WILL STILL DRY UP. HAPPY BIRTHDAY
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WHEW, I FEEL BETTER NOW. THANKS FOR LISTENING.
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IT'S CALLED "OLD BROAD WHO USED TO BE HOT."
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WE COULD TOTALLY GET ON SHARK TANK!
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I'LL TELL YOU WHERE I HID THE WINE OPENER.
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I AM PRETTY SURE IT'S A DILDO. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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THE KID IN ME SAYS "BUY BUBBLES & CANDY." THE ADULT IN ME SAYS "BUY BUBBLES, CANDY & VODKA."
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WHEN I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS, THEY ALWAYS SAY, "BIG DEAL."
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VIAGRA AIN'T NO JOKE!
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AND BY STYLE I MEAN HUMOR.
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NOW STOP BEING A CATTY BITCH AND CALL ME.
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40 AIN'T THE NEW 30, 50 AIN'T FABULOUS, AND BOTOX AIN'T CHEAP.
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YEP...XANAX JUST KICKED IN. I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY. I KNOW I WILL.
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WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE SLEEPING PILL FIRST AND THEN DRINK THE WINE? OR VICE VERSA?
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ACTUALLY...IT WAS A BIG COCK. I RAN INTO YOUR HUSBAND. CALL ME.
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SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
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NOW STOP POSTING STUPID SHIT ON FACEBOOK.
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IF I GAVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS TOUGH DAY AT THE OFFICE.
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TIME TO FIND ME A SUGAR DADDY.
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